Dealing with depression is never easy. Some have called depression "The Dark Night of the Soul" and there is much truth to this in a way. The 16th century Spanish poet and Roman Catholic mystic Saint John of the Cross wrote a poem describing the dark night of the soul as a passage the soul takes from the darkness of this world into the presence of God. The journey occurs during the night, which represents the hardships and difficulties the soul meets in detachment from the world and reaching the light of the union with the Creator* To be honest depression affects each individual differently though there may be some similarities. For some depression can draw us closer to God and for some it may push them away from God. However the theme of deep loneliness and detachment seems to be common.
Depression is like facing a night with no stars or for that fact no light whatsoever. Often when I have struggled with deep depression I lose the ability to find anything in life refreshing. Laughter and a simple smile can be like a distant memory. Everything seems to have lost its wonder and with me it affects even what I eat simply because everything is bland.
Depression can come about for many reasons from Chemical Imbalances in the brain or body, other health issues, a death of a love one or a divorce or separation, to the loss of a job or some disappointment that we may face. There is physical/mental depression, and there is spiritual depression.
King Saul in the Old Testament dealt with melancholy from a spiritual depression. He would ask David to play some music for him to soothe him. King David faced depression from various events that occurred in his life. Even Jesus dealt with depression the night he was arrested. Depression is more common than many realize. To be honest depression in of itself can be a normal mood just like happiness or sadness. However depression becomes a medical problem when it is prolonged in other words when the depression last for two weeks or more.
Whatever the reason or why one must face depression the answer in of itself may or may not relieve the individual facing it. Instead many just want to know how to survive it, how to get their life back, and how to find hope.
Going back to the Dark night of the soul as I was thinking about this whole element of darkness, we each face night in the physical world around us. At a certain time in the evening the sun drifts below the horizon and night falls upon the earth. For the next ten to twelve hours our side of the earth is dark, though sometimes there is the light of the moon and stars but sometimes there is neither due to cloud coverage. Healthy normal depression is like the night with the stars and the moon, depression that is medical or spiritual related is like the night with clouds.
With that in mind ponder for a moment about what you do on a dark night when the moon is not shining, when the stars have been hidden behind thick clouds. For me I go about my nightly routine, I have my lights on in the house, I watch TV, read a book, play a game on Facebook, chat with friends, spend time with my spouse, play with my sweet little dog, and at one point or another I go to sleep or try to go to sleep. A night with clouds doesn't stop me from living my life and neither should depression stop us from living our life. (Though at times I don't feel like doing any of the above) Really it does become a matter of mind over matter when dealing with depression, though it is easy to fall for the emotions that depression brings on us, such as feeling lonely, feeling detached, feeling hopeless, feeling numb, feeling sad, or all the above however when we realize that these are just clouds and the light hasn't really gone away then we can also see that we have a choice beyond the emotion. We can either allow these clouds of emotions to control us or we can take control of the situation by going on with our life.
Now sometimes the night sky can be filled with stormy clouds and depending on the kind of storm it is it can lead to a life and death situation such as with tornadoes. When there is a tornado we seek shelter, we ready ourselves for the worse. There is no shame in seeking shelter and neither is there shame in getting help. Just like the tornado the depression can turn violent. At first it starts out with a thought here and a thought there, then the thoughts become persistent maybe it is a thought to cut our self, or maybe it is a thought to end our life. The first sign of bad weather we usually try to get to a safe place, the first sign of a dangerous thought should be treated the same way. Seeking help isn't always about having to go into a hospital, sometimes therapy helps, sometimes seeing a doctor who can prescribe certain medication can help. However like I said earlier we all deal with depression differently so what may work for someone else may not work for us and the opposite may be true too.
Prolong depression is like a hurricane or a blizzard; it blows in and stays for a while. When preparing for a hurricane or a blizzard people are told to stock up on water, non-perishable items, batteries, etc. in a sense we must do the same when facing prolong depression.
What do we need to face a depression that lingers? It is fairly weird how much the psychiatric community avoids the bible when in truth the first mental health triage recorded takes place in 1 Kings 19! And the first to perform a mental health triage is God, who treats Elijah by supplying him with what he needed to recover from a burn out. These items are what we also need when facing depression whether prolonged or not:
1. Physical rest and nourishment - (1 Kings 19:5-7). Our physical body needs the rest and the food in order to be able to function properly. When our body is exhausted we are not able to function in other areas such as mentally or spiritually. Food is another necessity however certain foods can complicate medical induced depression so read up on what can be of more benefit. The Lord prepared Elijah a cake baked on coals (this was a type of bread but not like the bread we have today). Sometimes we may have a difficult time getting sleep in such cases talking to a doctor about using a sleep aid is ideal. Also soft relaxing music may be of help as well. There are many methods that may work to help us get the rest we need.
2. Emotional and Mental Therapy - (1 Kings 19:9-14) Our emotions during a depression can really be out of whack we can go from crying to anger to numbness. In order to deal with our emotions we must be able to talk things out though at times we may not have the words to say however by expressing what we are going through helps us to see through the fog. Venting these emotions helps us mentally. A good therapist, friend or spiritual/religious leader can help. Even though during depression many don't think they can go to God however I find that by going to God whether I am angry or in tears I realize that He is big enough to handle me, and yes He is faithful to be there even though we may not feel his presence. If a person cannot pray then finding a friend or family member or perhaps church member that will is a blessing. Writing and art is also tools we can use for therapy! One more thing even if our emotions or thoughts don’t make sense we still need to be able to vent them in order to deal with them.
3. Purpose, Direction, Refocusing - (1 Kings 19:15-17) this is the next step in dealing with Depression. Often we don't come to this step on our own, for the much part a good therapist can help us to refocus or find a direction. A trusted friend can too. This takes a choice on our part. We have to choose to refocus (even if we don't feel like it, this is the mind over matter). At first finding a new direction or being able to refocus can be very difficult but just like training for a race, a track runner has to go through the pains of getting into shape, so do we. At first this may seem overwhelming and stressful however once we decide to face the depression head on and accept the reality that we face then we can once again step by step move forward in our life. (Failure is also part of the process so don't let failure become a stumbling block instead get back up and go again). This is your life and it is a choice to how we live our life.
4. TRUTH - (1 Kings 19:18) Often when we are battling depression there are many untruths that have made themselves home in our thoughts. Such untruths can be like "I am worthless" "My life is hopeless" "I would be better off dead" "I have been forsaken" such untruths can escalate the feelings of detachment, loneliness, and hopelessness. Truth truly does set us free; we must face these untruths with the Truth. Though truth can be hard to deal with however the Truth is the light we need in a dark night. It can be like a candle in a dark room, or the moon light breaking through the clouds. Therapy without the truth is of no use to anyone only when we face the truth and accept it can we truly push forward however it is our choice.
The Prophet Elijah made a choice to trust God's direction and thus was able to move forward in his own life.Each step in our journey is a choice we have to make no one else can make it for us ..
Elijah's first three choices were:
1. He took action,
2. He reached out for help,
3. and the third choice Elijah made was to listen to the voice of truth which made a world of difference.
Escaping or looking for an escape has never solved anything when dealing with depression. Drugs, alcohol, suicide, these things do not solve our problems they just magnify the situation and create more problems.
Another healthy coping mechanism is exercise (Elijah walked - 1 Kings 19:7)
Coming to terms with depression and accepting the reality that we face is a big step forward often times the person who is holding us back is our own self.
So when facing my own depression I just allow myself to do what is needed, though I don't have the physical strength at times, and though my emotions are all over the place yet I can move forward but I have to be willing to do so.
We were never intended to live this life as an island unto our own self! Depression can make us want to close our selves off from the rest of the world, however we still have a choice, maybe we do need to limit our contact with others however seclusion is not ideal!
Don't throw in the towel to a few negative thoughts and at the same time don't drown yourself in positive thoughts that may not be based on the truth instead find the balance in the truth!
Oh and a hint on finding good help when reading 1 kings notice that God did not condemn, belittle, berate, or harass Elijah neither did He manipulate him ... instead He spoke to Elijah in a still quiet voice (calm and gentle) .. God also listened to Elijah. Seeking the right help is part of our choices to make, be sure the help you seek is willing to respect you, treat you as an equal, listen to you, and provide advice that gives you a choice not ultimatums.
This is not a quick fix nor is it a cure but it is steps that we can take in order to deal with depression, it is our own individual choice in what we do, and how we deal with it.
*source about Saint John of the Cross sited from Wikipedia Saint John of the Cross
* To read about the prophet Elijah's burnout click this link The prophet Elijah's burnout
When I lost my mind I was doing well until someone chased me down with it and said "I think you forgot this" my reply was simple but honest "Finders keepers" and I ran off like the wind"
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Overcoming a life of Manipulation and Control prt.1
For most of my life I would run into situations with people that would leave me feeling distraught, angry, frustrated, and totally baffled and confused. On top of that I would question my own sanity and actions. Often I would take all the blame for a failure in any relationship whether it was dealing with friends, family, or those who were intimate close to me. I had assumed that I was the person that was to blame for such failures. However I believed a lie. Relationships take two to work or two to fail. Relationships are never one sided. The reality about relationships no matter if it is a friendship, family, or intimate other such as a spouse is that we have our responsibilities and they have theirs. We can't do theirs and they can't do ours.
A couple of years ago I started seeing a pattern in my life concerning relationships with others and I started questioning myself. Instead of placing the blame 100% on myself I started seeing the reality of the situation. Now this didn't immediately take away the overwhelming guilt and confusion i had often felt in dealing with relationships that went down hill, however I started piecing together this very weird and strange puzzle. This puzzle was exposing the truth about others but not only about others but about me as well.
I realized that I had become so conditioned within my own thinking that I felt that I was not cut out to live my own life, that I needed fixing, that I was evil and needed redemption, but not the redemption of salvation ... there was a difference in this type of redemption. Somehow in the fog of years and years of abuse I had grown to subconsciously believe that the redemption I needed was not from God but from others. Sounds sick and twisted I know however this is what happens to a person who is totally beat down, and has rendered themselves in thought to be less than any other person.
I often got into situations where there were controlling and manipulative individuals. This was nothing new in a lot of ways for me simply because I dealt with the same throughout my childhood. So as an adult I really couldn't see the reality of my own life. By the time I was 18 years old I was a very volatile person. I had a lot of anger and was determined to undermine anyone who posed a threat to me in any way. My mind was so mixed up and confused that I could not tell the difference between a person who was really trying to help me in honesty with no strings attached and a person who had a set agenda for me. Therefore I often rejected people who sincerely tried to help me. Sad thing is I had become the very thing that I had despised in other people.
It is odd how we humans are, for we can see the maltreatment done to others but often times we are blind to our own situations. I went through my teen years and young adult life trying to find acceptance. I viewed God in the same way I viewed people and often that view wasn't a pleasant one. I believed that I had to be someone else besides who I really am to meet God's approval. And I often felt defeated, powerless to my own situations and in my depravity of my mind and soul I would try to control my environment which also included people as well. However with every given attempt I often opened the door for manipulative and controlling people to control me.
I can't count how many times I opened that door and became a door mat. I deeply felt that I had to have the acceptance of others to make me a whole person and could not handle when someone rejected me .. once again my warped way of thinking played a lot to do with this because I had no clue to the true definition of rejection. So basically my whole belief system the very foundation of myself was really mixed up in a bad way.
In the process I had given so much of myself away that by the time I was 30 I had no idea who the heck I was. I had no definition for me, in other words I had lost my identity. When a person looses their identity it is like a gaping hole in the soul that goes on for eternity. It is like a person is starving to death but no matter how much food they eat it does not fill them up instead they continue to starve to death. In truth for me to not really know my own self my own identity it was like the bible describes people in hell with the gnashing of teeth, it is pure madness and anguish. Because when a person doesn't know their true identity it is like being a live yet being dead. Death in this sense is a deep painful void that no one can put their finger on and no amount of x-rays can identify what is causing the grief.
However God never gave up on me and He never will. In order for me to see the reality about myself and about other people I had to be taught the difference between real love and fake love. I had to be able not just to understand it intellectually, which intellectually I understood a lot of things however emotionally and in my heart I did not. In a lot of ways intellectually I have always been mature but emotionally I had a deficit. Actually most of my life I have felt as though it would have been better for me to be a robot because as long as I could handle life with only my intellectual thinking and logic then I was good to go but when it came to deeper things and deeper needs like emotional and heart wisdom I was still very much a child and often a wounded child.
How did God help me to see myself in truth and to see others in truth ... well each day is a on going process however I will point out two situations that come to mind (I am not sharing this to point out anyone else faults)..
in one situation the person sacrificed much time to be there for me, this individual did not expect anything from me, matter of fact this person didn't try to change me instead they were more concerned about my well being then about changing me. This individual spent many countless hours listening to me, praying for me and there was a time that I couldn't even cry especially for myself however this person would cry for me in her prayers over me.
The second situation was an individual who meant well however this individual had their own agenda. I don't think that they purposely set out to do harm instead much like myself they had been through some tough issues and to a certain extent had not fully recovered from them. In this situation it was well defined that i needed to change, that I was their project, and when I didn't change according to how they wanted me too I soon found out that I was of no good use to them, I was easily cast off. To be further honest they felt deeply that they were doing God's will for me.. However I am not one to judge that simply because I do believe God set the stage not to control me or manipulate me nor do I believe that He condone the actions that took place however to help me to open my eyes to see the truth. Otherwise I would not have been able to see the truth in the whole situation.
Now before I go on let me say this GOD does not manipulate nor control any of us, He is love true love and in true love there is no manipulation. However with people we can and do often try to control and manipulate each other from time to time. Some more so than others.
Now let me share some truth about me and what role I had in each situation. With the first situation the person who truly accepted me for me, who spent countless hours listening to me, praying for me etc. I personally did not know how to take this individual. Remember earlier I stated that I couldn't tell the difference when someone was truly helping me or not. So yes I pushed and tried very much so to prove this person. And often I manipulated the situation. Actually what I was looking for was for rejection. However what I found out was the rejection that I was waiting for was actually me rejecting myself before they could. Furthermore even though this individual treated me as an equal I felt sub-servant to them. These were my feelings not that they made me feel this way.
With the second situation with the person that tried to change me that had their own agenda for me, I did try to push away and I did try to test them however the difference in this situation and the situation with the other person is that it become very unhealthy simply because I had allowed myself to submit to the will of this person and this individuals opinion about me meant more to me then what anyone else including God had to say about me.
I was truly so starved within myself and looking for acceptance all in the wrong way that I was blinded to the truth. Acceptance is like change, in the fact that it must begin within ourselves. I did not accept me. Now I realize that it is ok to accept me and to love the person that I am.
After everything went sour with the second situation I have spent many days trying to figure out how I allowed myself to take that path and why I didn't stand up to that person from the start. Part of it had to do with a very fragile wounded child like heart and the other part of it was the fact that I was truly void of myself in many ways. This person fulfilled a need in my life, however in fulfilling that need I also allowed myself to submit to their will, not my own will and not God's will.
Later on I did stand up to this person. And though I hated to yet at the same time I realized I had a right too because I didn't just stand up to them I stood up to my own self and took ownership of my own life and the responsibility of my own actions in the situation.
Now in no means am I trying to paint anyone in a bad way and neither am I pointing fingers because just as the second person had their own agenda so did I have mine and that was to have a very deep felt need met.
I even believed that when things did go sour I had to comply in other words that I had to fix the situation, that it was all my fault. Yet I now know that in any relationship there are two that are responsible. I can only answer for my own actions and not the actions of another person. At the heart of it all I did and still love this person however I am learning what it means to really love. This is how God has helped me to see myself in truth and to help me regain my identity back. Yes the whole ordeal broke my heart tremendously and no I was not brilliant in the way I handled it for much of it I was very angry however no matter how angry I have been and no matter how much I hated the way I treated this other person or hated how they treated me I could not bring myself to truly hate them. Oh at times I wanted too however I am thankful that I have been given the time away from them so that I could deal with myself and with the reality about the whole situation. Yes at times I felt like I was in the land of confusion and I did feel as though God was part of the delusion, but in it all God has always been there He was not the delusion but the truth and the reality I needed.
To really love another person we must know how to truly love ourselves. This means that we are able to show ourselves true compassion, acceptance, forgiveness, and be willing to stand up to ourselves when we are wrong. The same goes in relationships with others. When we disagree with another person it is not breaking a pact or an agreement to love. Often people who are manipulators feel as though that when another person does not agree with them that they are being betrayed. Truth is it is normal for people even close intimates to disagree at times, simply because we all have our own thoughts and perceptions. A true relationship is one where there is room for disagreements and love.
I read an article earlier today about how to handle controlling and manipulative people in that article it said:
This has been the hardest part of my own journey of healing because I was so afraid to see the truth about myself, I was afraid that I would see a horrid evil and vile person because I had believed I was for so long that I was afraid that my beliefs about myself were true. Actually they weren't true.
Recently I told a dear loved one that what makes bad people bad is that they know the truth and yet they remain in the lie by choice, they do not seek help instead they consciously make a choice to continue on in their bad behavior. Not all bad behavior is associated with a conscience choice in other words sometimes bad behavior is a learned trait and until we are able to see that the behavior is destructive then we as human beings believe it is right behavior. However when we realize that it is not right behavior and yet we purposefully continue on in that behavior then we are guilty for such actions.
Another thing I have also learned on my journey is there will be times of set backs and stumbling and falling back in old mind sets however the Lord is faithful to pull us back out. But the process of life is growth and just as a child matures in their learning so do we! Through out our lives we go through a maturing process. True maturity has nothing to do with age but with the heart and soul of the person. A child can be more mature than an adult and the same can be said about wisdom.
One thing to keep in mind though book knowledge does not give us the ability to read minds nor see the heart only God can do that and we must leave such matters like that to Him and deal with our own.
However what counts is how many times we do reach up and grab a hold of the truth and go forward. And I constantly have to remind myself because in the process of renewing my own mind I have to work through the old mind set and with time the old mind set falls away and the new takes hold but time in itself does not heal however the Lord does.
The link to the article I quoted about how to handle controlling and manipulative people is HANDLING DIFFICULT PEOPLE
Truth is not always easy and trust me when I started seeing the truth about myself I wanted to throw in the towel, I wanted to quit/ give up and just die but that was just my old mind set haunting me and I had to see through all that and realize that there is no pit to deep that God's love can't reach. What I have learned is this is my life and I have a right to fight for it even if it means to stand up to myself at times. Fear and lies are tools not of God but of the enemy of God and when we identify these tools we must remove them from ourselves and we can do that by resisting them and given them no place in our lives.. our tools to overcome this is with the truth and with love.
My thing is "Don't give up" no matter how many times you fail instead allow yourself the same compassion and hope to get back up and try again. The following video is a song that came to my mind while writing this
A couple of years ago I started seeing a pattern in my life concerning relationships with others and I started questioning myself. Instead of placing the blame 100% on myself I started seeing the reality of the situation. Now this didn't immediately take away the overwhelming guilt and confusion i had often felt in dealing with relationships that went down hill, however I started piecing together this very weird and strange puzzle. This puzzle was exposing the truth about others but not only about others but about me as well.
I realized that I had become so conditioned within my own thinking that I felt that I was not cut out to live my own life, that I needed fixing, that I was evil and needed redemption, but not the redemption of salvation ... there was a difference in this type of redemption. Somehow in the fog of years and years of abuse I had grown to subconsciously believe that the redemption I needed was not from God but from others. Sounds sick and twisted I know however this is what happens to a person who is totally beat down, and has rendered themselves in thought to be less than any other person.
I often got into situations where there were controlling and manipulative individuals. This was nothing new in a lot of ways for me simply because I dealt with the same throughout my childhood. So as an adult I really couldn't see the reality of my own life. By the time I was 18 years old I was a very volatile person. I had a lot of anger and was determined to undermine anyone who posed a threat to me in any way. My mind was so mixed up and confused that I could not tell the difference between a person who was really trying to help me in honesty with no strings attached and a person who had a set agenda for me. Therefore I often rejected people who sincerely tried to help me. Sad thing is I had become the very thing that I had despised in other people.
It is odd how we humans are, for we can see the maltreatment done to others but often times we are blind to our own situations. I went through my teen years and young adult life trying to find acceptance. I viewed God in the same way I viewed people and often that view wasn't a pleasant one. I believed that I had to be someone else besides who I really am to meet God's approval. And I often felt defeated, powerless to my own situations and in my depravity of my mind and soul I would try to control my environment which also included people as well. However with every given attempt I often opened the door for manipulative and controlling people to control me.
I can't count how many times I opened that door and became a door mat. I deeply felt that I had to have the acceptance of others to make me a whole person and could not handle when someone rejected me .. once again my warped way of thinking played a lot to do with this because I had no clue to the true definition of rejection. So basically my whole belief system the very foundation of myself was really mixed up in a bad way.
In the process I had given so much of myself away that by the time I was 30 I had no idea who the heck I was. I had no definition for me, in other words I had lost my identity. When a person looses their identity it is like a gaping hole in the soul that goes on for eternity. It is like a person is starving to death but no matter how much food they eat it does not fill them up instead they continue to starve to death. In truth for me to not really know my own self my own identity it was like the bible describes people in hell with the gnashing of teeth, it is pure madness and anguish. Because when a person doesn't know their true identity it is like being a live yet being dead. Death in this sense is a deep painful void that no one can put their finger on and no amount of x-rays can identify what is causing the grief.
However God never gave up on me and He never will. In order for me to see the reality about myself and about other people I had to be taught the difference between real love and fake love. I had to be able not just to understand it intellectually, which intellectually I understood a lot of things however emotionally and in my heart I did not. In a lot of ways intellectually I have always been mature but emotionally I had a deficit. Actually most of my life I have felt as though it would have been better for me to be a robot because as long as I could handle life with only my intellectual thinking and logic then I was good to go but when it came to deeper things and deeper needs like emotional and heart wisdom I was still very much a child and often a wounded child.
How did God help me to see myself in truth and to see others in truth ... well each day is a on going process however I will point out two situations that come to mind (I am not sharing this to point out anyone else faults)..
in one situation the person sacrificed much time to be there for me, this individual did not expect anything from me, matter of fact this person didn't try to change me instead they were more concerned about my well being then about changing me. This individual spent many countless hours listening to me, praying for me and there was a time that I couldn't even cry especially for myself however this person would cry for me in her prayers over me.
The second situation was an individual who meant well however this individual had their own agenda. I don't think that they purposely set out to do harm instead much like myself they had been through some tough issues and to a certain extent had not fully recovered from them. In this situation it was well defined that i needed to change, that I was their project, and when I didn't change according to how they wanted me too I soon found out that I was of no good use to them, I was easily cast off. To be further honest they felt deeply that they were doing God's will for me.. However I am not one to judge that simply because I do believe God set the stage not to control me or manipulate me nor do I believe that He condone the actions that took place however to help me to open my eyes to see the truth. Otherwise I would not have been able to see the truth in the whole situation.
Now before I go on let me say this GOD does not manipulate nor control any of us, He is love true love and in true love there is no manipulation. However with people we can and do often try to control and manipulate each other from time to time. Some more so than others.
Now let me share some truth about me and what role I had in each situation. With the first situation the person who truly accepted me for me, who spent countless hours listening to me, praying for me etc. I personally did not know how to take this individual. Remember earlier I stated that I couldn't tell the difference when someone was truly helping me or not. So yes I pushed and tried very much so to prove this person. And often I manipulated the situation. Actually what I was looking for was for rejection. However what I found out was the rejection that I was waiting for was actually me rejecting myself before they could. Furthermore even though this individual treated me as an equal I felt sub-servant to them. These were my feelings not that they made me feel this way.
With the second situation with the person that tried to change me that had their own agenda for me, I did try to push away and I did try to test them however the difference in this situation and the situation with the other person is that it become very unhealthy simply because I had allowed myself to submit to the will of this person and this individuals opinion about me meant more to me then what anyone else including God had to say about me.
I was truly so starved within myself and looking for acceptance all in the wrong way that I was blinded to the truth. Acceptance is like change, in the fact that it must begin within ourselves. I did not accept me. Now I realize that it is ok to accept me and to love the person that I am.
After everything went sour with the second situation I have spent many days trying to figure out how I allowed myself to take that path and why I didn't stand up to that person from the start. Part of it had to do with a very fragile wounded child like heart and the other part of it was the fact that I was truly void of myself in many ways. This person fulfilled a need in my life, however in fulfilling that need I also allowed myself to submit to their will, not my own will and not God's will.
Later on I did stand up to this person. And though I hated to yet at the same time I realized I had a right too because I didn't just stand up to them I stood up to my own self and took ownership of my own life and the responsibility of my own actions in the situation.
Now in no means am I trying to paint anyone in a bad way and neither am I pointing fingers because just as the second person had their own agenda so did I have mine and that was to have a very deep felt need met.
I even believed that when things did go sour I had to comply in other words that I had to fix the situation, that it was all my fault. Yet I now know that in any relationship there are two that are responsible. I can only answer for my own actions and not the actions of another person. At the heart of it all I did and still love this person however I am learning what it means to really love. This is how God has helped me to see myself in truth and to help me regain my identity back. Yes the whole ordeal broke my heart tremendously and no I was not brilliant in the way I handled it for much of it I was very angry however no matter how angry I have been and no matter how much I hated the way I treated this other person or hated how they treated me I could not bring myself to truly hate them. Oh at times I wanted too however I am thankful that I have been given the time away from them so that I could deal with myself and with the reality about the whole situation. Yes at times I felt like I was in the land of confusion and I did feel as though God was part of the delusion, but in it all God has always been there He was not the delusion but the truth and the reality I needed.
To really love another person we must know how to truly love ourselves. This means that we are able to show ourselves true compassion, acceptance, forgiveness, and be willing to stand up to ourselves when we are wrong. The same goes in relationships with others. When we disagree with another person it is not breaking a pact or an agreement to love. Often people who are manipulators feel as though that when another person does not agree with them that they are being betrayed. Truth is it is normal for people even close intimates to disagree at times, simply because we all have our own thoughts and perceptions. A true relationship is one where there is room for disagreements and love.
I read an article earlier today about how to handle controlling and manipulative people in that article it said:
This is very true. I am now in recovery, I am recovering from being a door mat and I am also recovering from being a manipulator. It isn't easy! The road ahead is often very hard, however truth truly does set us free. Now that I realize I do have a right to my own personal boundaries and a right to speak for myself and think for myself and feel for myself I am able to know myself. Any person that doesn't allow us to be our own self is a person that has lost themselves to gain control of others. It is a sad and devastating sort of life actually it is not life at all. Just as the person who is being manipulated and controlled is a captive so is the person who is the manipulator. The sad truth for the manipulator is that they honestly believe they are in control of themselves and others yet the truth is they don't have control whatsoever not even of their own manipulative schemes.
This has been the hardest part of my own journey of healing because I was so afraid to see the truth about myself, I was afraid that I would see a horrid evil and vile person because I had believed I was for so long that I was afraid that my beliefs about myself were true. Actually they weren't true.
Recently I told a dear loved one that what makes bad people bad is that they know the truth and yet they remain in the lie by choice, they do not seek help instead they consciously make a choice to continue on in their bad behavior. Not all bad behavior is associated with a conscience choice in other words sometimes bad behavior is a learned trait and until we are able to see that the behavior is destructive then we as human beings believe it is right behavior. However when we realize that it is not right behavior and yet we purposefully continue on in that behavior then we are guilty for such actions.
Another thing I have also learned on my journey is there will be times of set backs and stumbling and falling back in old mind sets however the Lord is faithful to pull us back out. But the process of life is growth and just as a child matures in their learning so do we! Through out our lives we go through a maturing process. True maturity has nothing to do with age but with the heart and soul of the person. A child can be more mature than an adult and the same can be said about wisdom.
One thing to keep in mind though book knowledge does not give us the ability to read minds nor see the heart only God can do that and we must leave such matters like that to Him and deal with our own.
However what counts is how many times we do reach up and grab a hold of the truth and go forward. And I constantly have to remind myself because in the process of renewing my own mind I have to work through the old mind set and with time the old mind set falls away and the new takes hold but time in itself does not heal however the Lord does.
The link to the article I quoted about how to handle controlling and manipulative people is HANDLING DIFFICULT PEOPLE
Truth is not always easy and trust me when I started seeing the truth about myself I wanted to throw in the towel, I wanted to quit/ give up and just die but that was just my old mind set haunting me and I had to see through all that and realize that there is no pit to deep that God's love can't reach. What I have learned is this is my life and I have a right to fight for it even if it means to stand up to myself at times. Fear and lies are tools not of God but of the enemy of God and when we identify these tools we must remove them from ourselves and we can do that by resisting them and given them no place in our lives.. our tools to overcome this is with the truth and with love.
My thing is "Don't give up" no matter how many times you fail instead allow yourself the same compassion and hope to get back up and try again. The following video is a song that came to my mind while writing this
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
The Truth about Abuse - The story of a Young man named Joseph!
Abuse does not, in no way make a person stronger! It destroys the very foundation of the individual/s .. Abuse does not promote anything good nor healthy. Often times people mistake the good that can come about as being from the experience of being abused, but this is not true. How on earth can any good come from being abused? None! And truth is God does not condone it whatsoever. The good that does often come about is by the individual/s who was abused making the choice to heal and overcome the effects of the abuse that was done to them. By saying that good can come from such traumatic and horrid events is also like saying that the abuser did right by abusing the individual.
And sadly people try to justify all this with these little sayings that sound good on the surface but at the heart of it holds no truth whatsoever. And even goes deeper than that. Often times I have read things that implies that God uses such things as abuse to make us stronger or to prepare us for our future calling. I beg to differ! And I would like to point this out .. I am not trying to point a religious point of view but instead I am going to point out the story of a young man named Joseph!
In Genesis chapters 37 & 39 we can read the account of Joseph. Joseph was the son of Jacob and Rachel. Jacob favored Joseph more so than he did his other sons. This caused his others sons to resent Joseph. Now Joseph probably had his faults, don't we all! However the treatment his brothers gave him was extremely abusive and devaluing. Joseph had shared two dreams with his brothers and in each dream it referred to him being a ruler over his brothers or that is how his brothers took it.. Jacob had even questioned Joseph about one of the dreams. As the story unfolds Jacob sends Joseph to check on his brothers who were tending to the flock.. they were sheep herders and farmers.
Genesis 37:19-28
Then they said to one another, “Look, this dreamer is coming! 20 Come therefore, let us now kill him and cast him into some pit; and we shall say, ‘Some wild beast has devoured him.’ We shall see what will become of his dreams!”21 But Reuben heard it, and he delivered him out of their hands, and said, “Let us not kill him.” 22but cast him into this pit which is in the wilderness, and do not lay a hand on him”—that he might deliver him out of their hands, and bring him back to his father. And Reuben said to them, “Shed no blood,
23 So it came to pass, when Joseph had come to his brothers, that they stripped Joseph of his tunic, the tunic of many colors that was on him. 24 Then they took him and cast him into a pit. And the pit was empty; there was no water in it.
25 And they sat down to eat a meal. Then they lifted their eyes and looked, and there was a company of Ishmaelites, coming from Gilead with their camels, bearing spices, balm, and myrrh, on their way to carry them down to Egypt. 26 So Judah said to his brothers, “What profit is there27 Come and let us sell him to the Ishmaelites, and let not our hand be upon him, for he is our brother and our flesh.” And his brothers listened. 28the brothers pulled Joseph up and lifted him out of the pit, and sold him to the Ishmaelites for twenty shekels of silver. And they took Joseph to Egypt. if we kill our brother and conceal his blood? Then Midianite traders passed by; so
I can only imagine how terrified Joseph must have been and how very much hurt he was that his own flesh and blood would do this to him. This was no small matter whatsoever. To have your own flesh and blood to mistreat you in such a manner and to be sold as an object to be only forgotten about is utterly devastating.. Though the bible does not give us the details of Joseph's emotional state at this time however one can only imagine. Furthermore I want to point out not one time during all of this is God mentioned .. that doesn't mean that God wasn't present that He didn't see all this however neither does the bible say that He condoned it either..
Now I have heard this preached many times and was lead to believe that God allowed the abuse in order for Joseph to fulfill his life mission.. again the bible does not say this whatsoever..
People take it to far when we assume God's role in this by saying that God had great plans for Joseph that is why he allowed Joseph to be mistreated and sold out.. the reason I say this is because first of all when we say this then we have to do away with free will. And then we have to put God in the place of the abusers meaning that God was using the brothers to mistreat Joseph so that Joseph could fulfill his destiny.. that in of itself putting God to be someone He is not.
Now I know scripture tells us in Exodus chapter four that God hardened the heart of Pharaoh and God told Moses this but there was a bigger reason and that did not have anything to do with subjecting Moses to being abused or mistreated to make him a better person. Neither was King David subjected to abuse when God had the prophet Samuel to pick him to be the future king of Israel...
It isn't until chapter 39 of Genesis that we see God's roll in the whole matter ... though harm was truly meant for Joseph at the hands of his brother yet God paved a path for him. And Joseph's brothers wasn't the only one that gave him grief,
Genesis 39:1
Now Joseph had been taken down to Egypt. And Potiphar, an officer of Pharaoh, captain of the guard, an Egyptian, bought him from the Ishmaelites who had taken him down there
The Lord was with Joseph and helped him to gain the full trust of Potiphar. So much so that the bible says that Potiphar handed over all his business to Joseph and that the only thing he knew of was the bread he ate. That is a lot of trust. One has to understand the magnitude of such because Joseph being a hebrew slave and Potiphar being a commanding Egyptian officer that didn't just happen. So truly God's hand was in it. However once again Joseph finds himself in a bad predictment with Potiphar's wife who frames Joseph when she falsely accuses him of trying to "mock" her or the insinuation of trying to rape her. Joseph had turned her down on several occassions and this angered Potiphar's wife. In haste one day to get away from this woman he ran in which tore his clothes from him. She framed him in such a manner and convinced Potiphar of foul play.. Potiphar had Joseph thrown in prison..
So here we have Joseph who has been abused and rejected by his brothers and now he has been falsely accused of a crime he did not do. Once again the bible does not say that God directed the woman to do this are cause the woman to lie as she did.. instead we see God's hand in it by making a way for Joseph while he was in prison... Joseph once again found favor in those who were over him, and through God's divine help Joseph was able to overcome his circumstances. Which the story goes on to say that through God Joseph was able to interpret a dream for the Pharaoh who then made him the over seer of all the land of Egypt .. in which later on we see that him and his family (yes even the brothers that sold him off) were able to come back together.. I encourage each one to read this story for it is a deep story of truth, love, courage, and GOD's divine hand at work in the worse situation..
However through out the whole story not one time was God mentioned as causing the abuse and mistreatment of Joseph instead we see that God was with Joseph through it all.. and that God did bring about the good for not only Joseph but for many people but not one time did the abusers or the abuse get credit for the good that did come about, Because it was not the abuse nor the abusers that brought about the good instead it was the abusers who abused him that meant to do harm to Joseph not GOD instead GOD brought the good! We must see the difference and not credit sin for the good! ..through God's help Joseph overcame his situation .. and the good that came about was from God's loving hand not the hand of abuse!
I wanted to point this out because it hit home with me earlier. It is much wiser to seek the truth for our own self rather than relying on someone else to do it for us. There is no such thing as blind faith .. God doesnt want us to have blind faith instead He desires we know the truth for the Truth does set us free..
God does not condone abuse. Neither does He forsake His own..
often the reason why people dont stand up for the truth is because the truth does hurt and it does point out the wrongs .. The truth is like a bright light that exposes everything in the darkness. And often the abuser is a family member or family members ... in which we can feel loyalty too however this should never stop us from being about the truth and taking a stand..
A couple of years ago I had a realization about the truth .. that if I don't speak the truth about my own situation then I am the one standing in the way of truth in other words the reason that I could not overcome my own situation is because I didn't take a stand..
It takes courage however though I have had to take a stand and in a lot of ways this has made people distance themselves from me in which can sometimes feel to be a lonely place yet I am not alone none of us truly are God is always there.. I think one of the things that theologians and philosophers miss about the bible is that God deals with each of His children differently not because He is a respecter of persons or chooses His favorites but because He alone knows the heart of each individual..
God gets a bad rep due to people whether well meaning or not by taking scripture out of context and using it for whatever purpose they desire. Sadly this happens more and more .. that is why I encourage people seek truth for yourself.. there are so many who are blindly lead to believe that God condones such sinful actions as abuse and sadly because of this false belief many stay imprisoned to the wounds the abuse causes and often times the abuse continues throughout the persons life. I know because I was one of those captives I believed that I had no way out and that this was God's plan for me.. I believed a lie that was sugar coated with man's version of who God is..
God has given each of us talents and gifts that only we can share, these are part of who we are. Abuse does not give us these things and to believe that is to devalue who we are!
To read the story of Joseph here is the link to the bible Genesis 37-46 The story of Joseph
Another good blog to read about this account brings about the choice that Joseph makes that makes a world of difference Time to Think: When the Sun stays Hidden
Monday, December 13, 2010
The Reality I Face
The Dutch philosopher and theologian Soren Kierkegaard that lived during the time frame of the 1600th's probably had no clue that his words would echo centuries down the road. He probably did not realize that his life would be remembered by his words. To be honest I am thankful to have learned of him and be able to read some of the things that he had spoken and wrote about. The above quote is one of my favorite quotes of all time.
For years in my life I viewed my life as a problem to be solved. for the first 25 years of my life I had no idea what I suffered with actually had a name. All I knew was I suffered and I couldn't find the right words to describe my suffering other than feeling deeply depressed or extremely hyper. Actually I was not the only one that didn't know what to do about me and much of my loved ones treated me as though I was a problem to be fixed in some ways. However that has changed. I now see that my life is not the problem but the problem really is how I viewed life.
After my diagnoses of bipolar 1 disorder with psychosis it was a bag of mixed of emotions for me. On one hand I was glad to know what was going on and on the other hand I didn't know what to do with what I did know.
Truth is bipolar disorder is just like any other ailment that human's face. Though there is not a cure for it, it still can be treated and a person with it can live in recovery. There are times I relapse however that is not the end of the road for me. What I struggle with on a daily basis's is not any different from what a person with diabetes deals with or a person with asthma. The only difference is the disorder I have affects my thinking process and it is located within my brain.
The human brain is for the most part a large mystery within itself however it is an organ just like any other organ in our body. So why does society treat the brain as if it is the lump sum of the individual? It is true that the brain is the command center for the entire body. Every process of movement and action we make comes from the brain and every time our heart beats and the blood flows our brain has something to do with it as well.
Having a disfunction in the brain does not make us less than a human being. Just like having diabetes doesn't make someone less of a human being. When a diabetics blood sugar drops out this can alter their ability to think and perceive things as well as their moods and can lead to the person being in a coma. With bipolar disorder this also affects the way a person thinks and perceives things and it does change the moods sometimes rapidly. The cause is not as defined as what a person with diabetes goes through however there is an interruption in the way the neuro transmitters work.
In one study of the brain what the researchers have found out is that the central gland in the frontal lobe of the brain that process thought and movement begins to shrink within the brain of a person who has bipolar disorder. This could be the reason behind it, however genetics does play a part in it as well as environmental things. One suggestion could be due to childhood trauma or any trauma could also cause a disruption in the way the brain processes. So there could be a number of reasons why however it is not the individual's fault or the family .. removing the blame from the situation helps us to realize the reality of the situation and takes a load off of the individual.
As Soren Kierkegaard stated life is a reality to be experienced. Whether our experiences in life is good or bad it is part of life. However it is not the lump sum of who we are. Often times those who suffer with a mental illness is made to feel that they are victims truth is we can look at our lives as being a victim or we can change hats and look at our lives as being survivors and being who we truly are no matter the circumstances.
My reality is yes I do have bipolar 1 disorder with psychosis, however I am not my diagnoses this is just something that I have to deal with it is only a part of my story not the whole entire story of my life. I am a married woman, a mental health advocate, an artist, photographer, and writer these are all parts of who I am. So there is more to me than just my diagnoses.
The most hurtful thing in life is not that we face a diagnoses but for those of us who do have a diagnoses to be judged by our loved ones or stereo-typed. This is called stigma. What I have come to realize is I have to be understanding to my loved ones problems that they deal with thus they should do the same for me. If they choose to see me as a burden then that is their perception and not mine. Life is a two way street. However this does not give me the right to use my disorder as excuse for poor behavior. As much as I have lost in my life the one thing I do have left is my integrity.
I have lost friends due to this but what I see now is to a certain degree it is for the best because if you can't take me when I am at my worst you want be able to deal with me at my best.
Another thing not every emotion I have is related to the bipolar. I am human thus I do have normal human emotions. Though at times I do not have the same emotional response as others I still do have normal emotions. One thing I know for sure is that when I get angry it is always out of a valid reason, however the anger can trigger an episode even though it originated from a valid reason. I have had people who thought they had a right to chastise me over the way I felt or responded. To those people I have this to say,
"I love you but you have no right to tell me how to feel, what to feel, what to think, what to believe. You are not my God, and you can't read my mind nor see my heart. What you see can be very misleading what you perceive can be inaccurate. thus please keep your judgments on your own plate and realize I am not speaking this to be mean or hurtful but that if you desire me to respect you then please respect me."
Reality is often hard to deal but the end results of dealing with reality is knowing the truth and being set free by the truth.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Saturday, December 11, 2010
A Devotional on Depression - In My Own Words
(The following is an excerpt of a devotional piece I wrote for my mom to share at her ladies bible study. It was her turn to lead bible study and she did her topic on depression and mental illness. She asked me to write something to share with the group.)
Imagine having a pain so deep that no x-ray could see, no human finger could touch. Imagine that there was no immediate relief for that deep pain, that even with medication it was not instantly cured, but that the ache went through not just bones and cartlage but the very soul. Now imagine trying to convey that pain to your loved ones, imagine how it would be when you could not form the right words instead the only way you could convey the pain is in tears and anger and the overwhelming desire to end your life just to get relief.
Now imagine trying to reach out to people because really you don't want to end your life however the pain is to much so in an attempt to live you try to seek help ... and instead of being heard you are either chastised for the way you are feeling, judged, labeled, belittled, and left to feel as though you have failed God. Analyzed and handed more medicine and ultimately left to yourself to deal with the pain that feels as though you have been dropped off into hell alone.
This is what depression has been like for me and how I often have been treated by others. The one place one would think that they could come to, to find relief, a safe place should be church however in my experience that is not the case. Actually my pain was made worse by being told that I was letting the devil torment me or that I was just trying to get attention. And I was often left to feel as though I had failed God and that I was evil for feeling the way I was feeling. Which left me to suffer alone! I grew angry with God and with people and resented church.
A person who is going through depression needs to know that they are cared for and their feelings do count. The one thing that has helped me is to have someone who allowed me to truthfully vent these feelings of deep grief and pain no matter how horrible it may have sounded yet to not be judged and not told that I was being evil or lacking in faith helped me to be able to deal with such deep pain instead of throwing me in a deeper pit of despair!
Just as the story about Elijah in 1 Kings 19 (which is the first recorded mental health triage in which God performed) so should we do for each other. Often a person who is depressed needs help with basic things like food and rest, and then the opportunity to vent, and the opportunity to hear the truth.
A kind word and a hug can mean the world to someone who is suffering!
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