The Reality I Face

Life is not a problem to be solved but a reality to be experienced! - Soren Kierkegaard

The Dutch philosopher and theologian Soren Kierkegaard that lived during the time frame of the 1600th's probably had no clue that his words would echo centuries down the road.  He probably did not realize that his life would be remembered by his words.  To be honest I am thankful to have learned of him and be able to read some of the things that he had spoken and wrote about.  The above quote is one of my favorite quotes of all time. 

For years in my life I viewed my life as a problem to be solved.  for the first 25 years of my life I had no idea what I suffered with actually had a name.  All I knew was I suffered and I couldn't find the right words to describe my suffering other than feeling deeply depressed or extremely hyper.  Actually I was not the only one that didn't know what to do about me and much of my loved ones treated me as though I was a problem to be fixed in some ways.  However that has changed.  I now see that my life is not the problem but the problem really is how I viewed life.

After my diagnoses of bipolar 1 disorder with psychosis it was a bag of mixed of emotions for me.  On one hand I was glad to know what was going on and on the other hand I didn't know what to do with what I did know.

Truth is bipolar disorder is just like any other ailment that human's face.  Though there is not a cure for it, it still can be treated and a person with it can live in recovery.  There are times I relapse however that is not the end of the road for me.  What I struggle with on a daily basis's is not any different from what a person with diabetes deals with or a person with asthma.  The only difference is the disorder I have affects my thinking process and it is located within my brain. 

The human brain is for the most part a large mystery within itself however it is an organ just like any other organ in our body.  So why does society treat the brain as if it is the lump sum of the individual?  It is true that the brain is the command center for the entire body.  Every process of movement and action we make comes from the brain and every time our heart beats and the blood flows our brain has something to do with it as well. 

Having a disfunction in the brain does not make us less than a human being.  Just like having diabetes doesn't make someone less of a human being.  When a diabetics blood sugar drops out this can alter their ability to think and perceive things as well as their moods and can lead to the person being in a coma.  With bipolar disorder this also affects the way a person thinks and perceives things and it does change the moods sometimes rapidly.  The cause is not as defined as what a person with diabetes goes through however there is an interruption in the way the neuro transmitters work.

In one study of the brain what the researchers have found out is that the central gland in the frontal lobe of the brain that process thought and movement begins to shrink within the brain of a person who has bipolar disorder.  This could be the reason behind it, however genetics does play a part in it as well as environmental things.  One suggestion could be due to childhood trauma or any trauma could also cause a disruption in the way the brain processes.  So there could be a number of reasons why however it is not the individual's fault or the family .. removing the blame from the situation helps us to realize the reality of the situation and takes a load off of the individual.

As Soren Kierkegaard stated life is a reality to be experienced.  Whether our experiences in life is good or bad it is part of life.  However it is not the lump sum of who we are.  Often times those who suffer with a mental illness is made to feel that they are victims truth is we can look at our lives as being a victim or we can change hats and look at our lives as being survivors and being who we truly are no matter the circumstances.

My reality is yes I do have bipolar 1 disorder with psychosis, however I am not my diagnoses this is just something that I have to deal with it is only a part of my story not the whole entire story of my life.  I am a married woman, a mental health advocate, an artist, photographer, and writer these are all parts of who I am.  So there is more to me than just my diagnoses.

The most hurtful thing in life is not that we face a diagnoses but for those of us who do have a diagnoses to be judged by our loved ones or stereo-typed.  This is called stigma.  What I have come to realize is I have to be understanding to my loved ones problems that they deal with thus they should do the same for me.  If they choose to see me as a burden then that is their perception and not mine.  Life is a two way street.  However this does not give me the right to use my disorder as excuse for poor behavior.  As much as I have lost in my life the one thing I do have left is my integrity.

I have lost friends due to this but what I see now is to a certain degree it is for the best because if you can't take me when I am at my worst you want be able to deal with me at my best. 

Another thing not every emotion I have is related to the bipolar.  I am human thus I do have normal human emotions.  Though at times I do not have the same emotional response as others I still do have normal emotions.  One thing I know for sure is that when I get angry it is always out of a valid reason, however the anger can trigger an episode even though it originated from a valid reason.  I have had people who thought they had a right to chastise me over the way I felt or responded.  To those people I have this to say,

"I love you but you have no right to tell me how to feel, what to feel, what to think, what to believe.  You are not my God, and you can't read my mind nor see my heart.  What you see can be very misleading what you perceive can be inaccurate. thus please keep your judgments on your own plate and realize I am not speaking this to be mean or hurtful but that if you desire me to respect you then please respect me."

Reality is often hard to deal but the end results of dealing with reality is knowing the truth and being set free by the truth.

VanGogh's Lesser Known Paintings.

I can so relate to this comic pic ...

A Devotional on Depression - In My Own Words

(The following is an excerpt of a devotional piece I wrote for my mom to share at her ladies bible study.  It was her turn to lead bible study and she did her topic on depression and mental illness.  She asked me to write something to share with the group.)

Imagine having a pain so deep that no x-ray could see, no human finger could touch.  Imagine that there was no immediate relief for that deep pain, that even with medication it was not instantly cured, but that the ache went through not just bones and cartlage but the very soul.  Now imagine trying to convey that pain to your loved ones, imagine how it would be when you could not form the right words instead the only way you could convey the pain is in tears and anger and the overwhelming desire to end your life just to get relief.

Now imagine trying to reach out to people because really you don't want to end your life however the pain is to much so in an attempt to live you try to seek help ... and instead of being heard you are either chastised for the way you are feeling, judged, labeled, belittled, and left to feel as though you have failed God. Analyzed and handed more medicine and ultimately left to yourself to deal with the pain that feels as though you have been dropped off into hell alone.

This is what depression has been like for me and how I often have been treated by others.  The one place one would think that they could come to, to find relief, a safe place should be church however in my experience that is not the case.  Actually my pain was made worse by being told that I was letting the devil torment me or that I was just trying to get attention.  And I was often left to feel as though I had failed God and that I was evil for feeling the way I was feeling.  Which left me to suffer alone!  I grew angry with God and with people and resented church.

A person who is going through depression needs to know that they are cared for and their feelings do count.  The one thing that has helped me is to have someone who allowed me to truthfully vent these feelings of deep grief and pain no matter how horrible it may have sounded yet to not be judged and not told that I was being evil or lacking in faith helped me to be able to deal with such deep pain instead of throwing me in a deeper pit of despair!

Just as the story about Elijah in 1 Kings 19 (which is the first recorded mental health triage in which God performed) so should we do for each other. Often a person who is depressed needs help with basic things like food and rest, and then the opportunity to vent, and the opportunity to hear the truth.

A kind word and a hug can mean the world to someone who is suffering!